A Letter for Melanie
They say I am your answered prayer, but you will always be my definition of a blessing.
Dear Mama,
It’s the time of the year again where my friends flood my social media accounts with loving messages for their moms, aunts, grandmothers, and all extraordinary women and men who stood by their side and served as a mother figure to them in this world.
I was amazed by how they put much effort to surprise and pay tribute to their moms on this special day. It makes me wonder what we could have done together if you were here.
Twenty-five years, quite long, isn’t it, Ma? Every year, I tried to come up with new things to write about you, but unfortunately, I only knew you from Lola’s stories, my uncles and aunties’ fondest memories of you, and some good old tales from those you had worked with. It’s like a giant jigsaw puzzle to get to know you, and it’s breaking my heart to meet you only with a collection of memories.
They told me I got your smile and your wit. While some, on the other hand, tried to convince me that I am more of you than Papa. I don’t know what made them say that, but I won’t argue. There were so many questions that kept bothering me growing up, but God is sparing my heart for another blow of pain, so I’ll stop looking for answers.
Each time I pray, I take a minute or two to speak to you, knowing that you’re listening to it. It’s tough Ma, the feeling of being envious of my friends growing with their moms is something I know I will never get over with. As a kid, I never really cared about seeing those around me, but as I grew older, I just realized what part of my life was missing entirely. When times are complicated and confusing, that is where I miss you the most.
Thank you for sending your love signals even in the tiniest moments of my life. My heart was filled with gladness and joy when God allowed me to travel to Singapore because it meant that I could make one of your dreams come true.
The pain of not being with you in this world will not lessen. It will take a lifetime to heal, but as I roll with the punches of life, Ma, I became strong to bear it. I earned my spine and grew my wings. And I am grateful for this one who fights this battle with me.
Ma, big days like these hurts because I can only write everything I wish to tell you face to face. Each milestone of my life has been cruel in a way that I never had the chance to see you cheer and give me that pat on the back. “You can do it!” would mean differently if it came from you. Honestly, I would go out and eat somewhere fancy and pretend it’s our date. I would even watch movies and visit galleries to celebrate with you.
Papa and I were okay now; we could patch things up. We were both working on it, Ma, you know the listening and opening-up part of being a daughter to a father and vice versa? We no longer fight over petty things. I learned to pay attention to him more and understand where he is coming from. He is trying hard to make up for the lost times, and I admire him for that!
The Lord blessed me with a brother with whom I can have long nights’ worth of conversations. Someone who will choose me over anyone to have midnight snacks with. He is intelligent and clever, Ma! And has a great sense of humor like Papa, but they don’t get along well at times, and that’s my role as an Ate comes in! He will always be my teammate, and I assure you that!
Wherever this life takes me, and whatever the Lord plans for me, I will promise you, I will live a life of significance. You’ve done so much to have me and brought me out of this world, even if it caused you your own life. You may not live long enough to witness everything. I know you never fail to guide and watch over Papa and me. I may not achieve all your dreams for you, but Ma, you were the sole reason I get to dream big every day for myself.
Losing you will never define my life, Ma, but it will forever shape my character. To make you smile, when someone tells me I am pretty and intelligent, driven, and kind, my default response is not Thank you, but I got it from my Mama!
Always and forever,
Faith
